Averting Despair
by Nierme
Summary: When River goes missing, Simon's grief allows him to do something he never dared before.


**Disclaimer: I do not own the following characters, though I wish I could claim the genius of their invention.**

He had devoted everything to her care: his time, his money, his future. In the hopes of freeing his sister not only from the Academy, but also from the tortured prison of her own mind, Simon had expended all of his resources without regret. Now, she was gone. Mal had sworn up and down it would be a harmless and easy mission. River was starting to get better and, he said, they could use her telepathic senses to make the job go smoother.

Simon hadn't been comfortable with the idea, but there was no arguing with the Captain. He couldn't risk their place on Serenity. It was the only safe haven they were likely to find. And also, She was on Serenity.

Ever since he'd first seen her, twirling her umbrella like hypnosis, he'd been ensnared by her bright eyes. Smiles always came easily to her full lips. It made him miss the joys he'd known before. It reminded him of bliss. Her easygoing presence somehow made him more aware of himself as he never was anywhere else. It made him remember what it was like to have a feeling other than worry.

He'd chosen to hide on Serenity because it seemed a ship that favored the outer planets and shared his distaste for the Alliance. At least, that's what he told himself. Somewhere within, he knew he'd chosen Serenity for her.

Once he'd made that decision, however, he had been forced to put Kaylee from his mind. River was more than a handful and her episodes were unpredictable both in their occurrence and force. Simon had given up everything for his sister, including any and all of his own desires. Though he was always overjoyed when she had her brief moments of lucidity, his one secret happiness lay in the presence of a certain mechanic.

He had never fully trusted himself around her. Once he let down his guard, even the slightest degree, he knew he would be tempted to selfishly think of his own needs. River wouldn't survive if he wasn't there for her one hundred percent.

Now River was gone. Mal said that Reavers had attacked the village where the cargo was hidden. When they'd tried to escape on the mule, River had jumped off and disappeared. They had searched as much as they could with the Reavers still about but couldn't find any sign of River other than a discarded linen coat.

Simon had been livid and devastated and rendered entirely mute with shock. Mal patted him on the back while Zoe assured him they would go back for a more thorough search after the Reavers had fully disappeared. She said it was very likely that River had found a safe hiding place. She was a smart girl.

As a doctor, he could imagine the sharp pain in his gut was a knife wound in need of stitches. As a man, he knew it as the pang of loss. There was no way River could have survived on her own in a horde of Reavers. Why had she jumped from the Mule? She must have been in the thralls of one of her hallucinations. The thought of her as a living victim of Reavers made Simon rush to the infirmary to be sick. Once he'd emptied his stomach, everything else felt empty as well.

He had given up so much for River and now she was gone. He hadn't been able to protect her. In the vast emptiness inside all he could feel was a numb unnamable pain. Something dark was breeding inside him. He desperately wanted to feel something other than this strange numbness. Retreating to his bunk in silence he absentmindedly wondered if he would ever feel anything again.

Having memorized the pattern of metal studs on the ceiling, Simon was far from his room when a knock at his door brought him rocketing back. In the black of space, there was no way of telling how much time had passed since River's disappearance. It felt like years experienced in the briefest of seconds. The darkness within had only grown stronger. His hands clenched into fists as his jaw tightened. He wanted to wrench something to shreds.

The door opened with a cringing squeak. Kaylee stuck her head in, followed by the rest of her. Grease streaked her face and sweat clung to her brow. She must have just come from the engine room. To Simon, she glowed like an angel.

"Hey, Simon." She started tentatively. "Can I sit down"

Simon did not trust himself to speak. The closer she came, the more he wanted. His grief was making him both brave and reckless. Kaylee sat down on the edge of his bed and looked down at him with somber eyes.

"I just heard about River. I… well I wanted you to know how sorry I am that you're being caused all this worry and all. You know Cap'n'll find her. River's a genius and you bet she found some way to hide from those nasty Reavers." Her voice was barely more than a whisper in the hushed air of his bunk. Simon imagined he could smell the sweet odor of her sweat and he closed his eyes against the surge of lust that raged through him. Her words swept over him without meaning. He was lost in the harmony of her voice.

"You should probably leave." The raspy sound was harsh to his own ears.

Her face fell and his heart ached. "Oh." She said. "I'm sorry. I shoulda guessed you'd want to be alone with your thoughts and all. You've always been a real private type. I ain't nothing but a bother. I oughta get back to the engine anyway. You know how this poor darlin' hurts in deep space like we are…"

She reached up to touch his face, then seemed to think better of it. The nearness of her hand was like a searing flame against Simon's skin. He felt her almost-touch as if she'd branded him. As she retreated from his bunk, he couldn't tear his eyes from her hourglass figure. Even in baggy coveralls she was sexy.

The instant she was out of sight he exhaled a breath he hadn't know he'd held. His blood was fire and ice in his veins. Suddenly he realized that with River gone, he could finally do something about his yearning for Kaylee. At that thought, he nearly became sick again. His sister had not even been missing a full day and he had already abandoned her for his own pathetic pleasures. And yet, thinking of Kaylee had replaced the numbness within him.

He shouldn't have been so short with her. She was only trying to help him, after all. She was selfless as always and he had rejected her in a most insensitive way. Simon decided to apologize. Getting up and moving about the ship was better than going stir crazy in his room, he supposed.

The ship was silent and dark. Because they were just waiting for Reavers to vacate the planet, they had to keep a low profile. That meant running on very little power and attempting invisibility. Wash was probably in his room with Zoe, sharing sweet sentiments. Envy flared in him at the thought. Must he be forever denied that comfortable intimacy? His bed was lonely and isolated.

When he reached the engine room, his heart stopped. Kaylee had her back to him, reaching up to fiddle with some electrical wiring. The notorious coveralls had been unsnapped and they hung off her hips, threatening to drop to the floor at the slightest movement. Her hair was swept up, exposing her delicate neck to Simon's wanton eyes. The thinnest line of skin was visible where her thin t-shirt met her slipping coveralls and suddenly it was all over.

Simon strode to her and grabbed her hips. His mouth descended to taste the sheen of sweat that coated her neck. Kaylee made a startled noise and turned around. Her eyes were wide with shock and her mouth hung open on the verge of speech. He silenced her with a forceful kiss. As his lips pressed against hers hard enough to bruise, he encircled her with his arms and drew her body against his. Her heat against his firm length made him groan in startled pleasure.

Kaylee hadn't resisted his kiss, but she gasped into his mouth when he pushed against her. "Simon…?" She breathlessly inquired, "What are you –"

Her question turned into a groan as he placed a hand against her coveralls. The thick fabric was rough against her center and she bucked involuntarily against him. He could feel himself grow hard, throbbing with need for her. He had waited so long that now he could not even speak.

He broke the kiss and she whimpered as he took his hand away. With an easy tug her shirt went over her head and fell ignored to the floor. His throat tightened as he took in the hollow of her throat and the fragile curvature of her collarbones. He wanted to kiss every inch of her beautiful frame. That would have to wait.

Before he could reach to unhook her bra, her tiny hands tickled at his waist and she stripped him of his shirt. When she gazed up at him, her eyes were shiny with lust. It further fanned the flames within him and he groaned at the thought of what he was about to do to her.

One hand slipped beneath her coveralls while the other deftly divested her of her bra. She shivered against him, whether from the sudden cold or Simon's hands he did not know. He found her wet and slick to the touch. Her eyes closed as she bit her lip to keep from moaning as he stroked her clit.

His cock was so hard it almost pained him. As she arched her back against him, he took her hand and placed it on the front of his pants. That soft touch was enough to make him pause his ministrations and groan.

It suddenly became all too apparent to Simon that they both had far too many clothes on. He withdrew his hand, with a sigh from Kaylee, and quickly undid her coveralls. They dropped from her luscious hips without any help. With just as much speed, he unzipped his own pants and they joined Kaylee's on the floor.

Her eyes widened at the sight of his length and she tugged his head down for a fierce kiss. That was all the permission Simon needed. Pushing her roughly against the wall, he nudged her legs apart. Kaylee was shaking with anticipation, breathing heavily against him.

He had spent so long denying this impulse, Simon found he had no head for patience or niceties now. He needed her like he had never needed anything before in his life. If they were separated a minute longer, he would surely die.

With one quick motion he thrust fully into her wet warmth. Kaylee was more than ready for him, but she still cried out and clenched around him. She was so tight he couldn't move for fear of it all being over too quickly. She felt like heaven and he groaned against her neck.

His grip on her hips would surely leave bruises but he couldn't let go. Slowly he began to move again and was rewarded by mewing cries from Kaylee's soft lips. The blissful agony was almost too much for Simon. The feeling of being inside her was a joy he had never thought to experience. He wanted to make sure she felt the same way.

His teeth lightly grazed her neck and she whimpered, "Oh Simon…" against him. She was so tiny she was ensconced in his broad shouldered embrace. He didn't want to hurt her, but the more she gasped his name, the faster he thrust into her. He could feel himself nearly the edge, but he didn't want to fall without her.

When he felt her spasm against him, heard her wordless cry, her hot grip gave him release. With a long groan he sagged against her, pinning her to the wall. Her head rested slick against his chest and they both gasped air.

After a moment, their hearts slowed and she looked up at him. There was a smile of surprised contentment on her face. "I'm not going to ask what I did to deserve that." She said, "Mama always told me never to look a gift horse in the mouth and I sure ain't gonna start now."

Simon laughed and reached down to push back her matted hair from her eyes. "Kaylee." Her name was infused with so much love. Looking at her, he knew she understood what he was saying without need of words. "I've waited so long."

"Me too."

Kaylee slowly stepped into her coveralls, and Simon put back on his pants. Their shirts lay forgotten on the dusty floor. Gently taking her hand, he led her back to his bunk. Where it had once seemed a lonely place of despair, her figure snuggled up in his bed made it the only place he ever wanted to be. He climbed into bed and curled protectively around her, placing a delicate kiss on her temple. In the morning they would find River, but for now there was nothing outside this moment – this love.


End file.
